The Male Yell-Sneeze

An exploration

Undeniably, one of the most harrowing experiences that we women encounter day-to-day is the violent shock of a grown man’s yell-sneeze. Favored especially by fathers, the yell-sneeze is recognized by most as a puzzling but prevalent fact of life. We have simply accepted that for some men, the mundane matter of sneezing must always present as a battle between himself and the malevolent spirit trapped inside of him, hellbent on rocketing itself out of captivity and into the world via his nasal passages.  

Personally, I am shocked to have never laid eyes upon a lengthy, deathly serious protestation against the male yell-sneeze on the basis of feminist advancement, published on a trendy-yet-dying website desperate for clicks. If I were a feminist, this would be my first choice of polemic. A man’s yell-sneeze is not to be underestimated in the arena of intimidation and harassment, especially toward those of us with weak, anemic hearts and ears attuned to the sound of soft whispers from another room. I would not be surprised if it were discovered that yell-sneezes evolved as a form of mate guarding, to startle and confine women to the hearth.

I had a friend who came by this method of sneezing at a young age, well before his genes had been propagated unto the next generation. His name was Alex; he was six-foot-six and two hundred and fifty pounds, with shoulders reminiscent of a ship’s bow and a yell-sneeze like the crack of a sawed-off shotgun. The first time he caught a fit of allergies around me, I was inconsolable. 

“You can’t sneeze like that,” I told him tremulously, “or people will think you’re about to raid their village.” 

He laughed, assuming that I was merely exaggerating for comedic effect. I meant every word. When a man sneezes like that, it triggers a primal fear inside me, forcing me to momentarily consider an ancient dilemma that has besieged millions of women before me— Do I kill myself now or become his concubine? 

Though I am obviously disgusted with and wary of the male yell-sneeze, I must admit that the feminine equivalent is not much better. A bright, dainty little squeak of a sneeze is less auditorily distressing than the howl of a male would-be pillager, but it is similarly exasperating. As a woman myself, I am convinced that these teensy little sneezes are unnatural constructions of a false femininity, designed specifically to entice the protection and adoration of men. In other words, those cutesy sneezes are for whores. 

A proper sneeze should be forceful but devoid of dramatic flair, like the route execution of a criminal at the guillotine. The headsman does not bellow as the blade whizzes down, nor does he curtsy at the conclusion of the act. He performs his job coolly, with a detached sense of gravity. Any “bless yous” that may spring forth are a nicety, not an expectation. 

Of course, I suppose that the yell-sneeze could really be interpreted as a cry for attention. The scream that men emit before they sneeze could be a brief window of insight into the bottomless vacuum of their inner world. (Perhaps this is why fathers are so disposed toward this fashion of sneeze). Our modern society can be admittedly discouraging when it comes to behaviors once deemed the pinnacle of masculinity, and numerous men have found themselves at an impasse, at once desirous of praise and love and unsure of how to acceptably proceed. 

In that case, I encourage any male yell-sneezer to truly delve into his psyche, either through prayer, meditation, or therapy, and pick a new and more productive way by which to elicit some recognition. Many men choose to go into music or finance, although some take the route of procuring a semi-automatic rifle and firing indiscriminately into a crowd. It’s really all about finding the path that feels right. 

I firmly believe that once we have solved this crisis of masculinity, the male yell-sneeze will fade into obscurity, an all-too-endemic issue erased for the benefit of future generations. That is, of course, unless we do find out it has an evolutionary function, at which point I will not be too proud to throw up my hands and simply say “Men.”